Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Randomize
