I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
