Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
