I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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