Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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