he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
