i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
