I'm so fucking centered right now
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
