Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
