he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
