At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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