I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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