the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
