Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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