I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
