I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
