Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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