I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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