I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
