He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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