I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize