so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
