TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
