I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
