this boner is exhausting
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
