On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
