Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
