i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
