I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
