my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
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