i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize