She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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