Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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