Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
