Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
