fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
