she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
