there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
