He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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