Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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