It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Randomize
