you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
