They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
