I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
