that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize