And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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