Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
