My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize