Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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