I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
