bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize