i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Text me some of your sweat
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