just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
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