I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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