Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize