Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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