I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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