Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
